Think Customers: The 1to1 Blog

Don't Ask About "Average Handle Time"

Every phone service available has an army of dissatisfied customers, but Verizon had a particularly spectacular 2008. First came the news that the company's Florida operations demanded that field technicians leave a customer after a certain amount of time, regardless of whether the problem had been solved, and that contact center agents must suggest cross-sell or up-sell "opportunities" to every caller, even if the caller was screaming about poor service.

A public relations black eye? Yes, but possibly trumped by the fact that, for awhile anyway, callers to a toll-free Verizon customer service line seeking a rebate were instead routed to a phone sex line. "At least with the phone sex number there is a chance of satisfaction," grumbled one customer.

Jet-Sitting ... And Sitting ... And Sitting ...

The airline industry had another golden turkey of a year, with spiraling costs, plummeting service, and such customer-friendly initiatives as charging extra for checked luggage, blankets, pillows, and seemingly everything else.

But the late, great George Carlin, who once pointed out that "terminal" was "another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel," would likely agree that the nod in this category must go to British Airways, whose much-vaunted Terminal 5 at Heathrow Airport -- costing £4 billion and 19 years to build - finally opened on March 27 and was immediately plagued by computer, baggage, and staff issues that resulted in the cancellation of over 500 flights and some 28,000 bags failing to travel with their owners.

At least it gave rise to a sub-genre known as "Terminal 5 Jokes." My favorite: "Q. Why is Terminal 5 like a mortuary? A. You can't take your baggage with you."

Notta Lotta Latte Goin' On

The coffee-chain that fell to Earth, Starbucks, reported its net earnings for fiscal 2008 fell to $315.5 million, or 43 cents per share, from $672.6 million, or 87 cents per share a year earlier. And this was after mocha magician Howard Schultz returned as ceo.

With customers cutting back on those overpriced potions, the company tried introducing new drinks and new presentation methods, mostly to no avail. It also managed to lose a class action suit filed by baristas over unfair business practices that required the workers to share a portion of their tips with supervisors.

But the turkiest move was when it offered a free cup of its burnt-tasting coffee to anyone who voted on Nov. 4--only to be forced to rescind the offer when it was pointed out that this was technically illegal because you can't bribe people to vote. Still, all the favorable news coverage of the original offer doubtlessly negated the estimated $1 million in coffee giveaways--and, in turn, steamrolled anecdotal evidence around the country that servers would only give you the free cup if you asked for it, and seem put out when you did.

(Bonus turkey points for Schultz: He was the owner of the NBA's Seattle Supersonics who sold the team to a group that ultimately moved it out of Seattle to Oklahoma City. A Seattle Post-Intelligencer poll found that the vast majority of its readers blamed Schultz for the loss of their beloved team.)

Pepper Goes Undercover

And speaking of free drinks ... This one gets a little personal, though I'm not even sure why. As I wrote recently, Dr Pepper promised a free bottle to every person in the United States if Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy album ever came out. When it turned out that Democracy would be here at last, on Nov. 23, the soft-drink maker announced that anyone interested in actually taking them up on the offer would need to go to drpepper.com to download a coupon - available only on the 23rd.

Dig the Web 2.0! Why bother issuing paper coupons in Sunday supplements or at retailers? Well, because then you wouldn't be able to weasel your way out of your promise when your website crashes. The Pepper people decided to extend the offer through yesterday - when, predictably, server errors again ruled the day.

Back to the Drambuie, I guess.

Dunkin' Runs on Foldin'

Michelle Malkin, the Tila Tequila of political punditry, wrote a column complaining of the "jihadi chic keffiyeh" that noted revolutionary anarchist Rachael Ray wore in an online ad for Dunkin' Donuts' coffee. Actually, it was just a scarf. Nevertheless, the turkey here isn't so much Malkin - once called "the most vile, hateful commentator I've ever met in my life" by beacon of journalistic integrity Geraldo Rivera - as it is Dunkin' Donuts, which yanked the ad before anyone else noticed the similarities between "coffee" and "Khaddafi," or something.

Lightning Turkey Round: Politics

Where to even begin with this subject? John McCain's "Pick a brand image, any brand image"? Oliver Stone's movie W., which was about six years too late and didn't seem to have much point anyway? Convicted felon Ted Stevens running for reelection to the Senate - and nearly winning?

I'll go with these three:

* The chief executives of Ford, Chrysler, and General Motors, who each flew on private jets to a hearing of the House Financial Services Committee to plead poverty. "It's almost like seeing a guy show up at the soup kitchen in high hat and tuxedo," marveled Rep. Gary Ackerman, D-New York. "Couldn't you all have downgraded to first class or jet-pooled or something to get here? It would have at least sent a message that you do get it."

* Former National Book Critics Circle Award-winning author Shelby Steele, who in January published the book A Bound Man: Why We Are Excited About Obama and Why He Can't Win. After Obama, um, won, Steele explained that he'd originally come up with the sub-title "in about 30 seconds" and went on to complain that "subtitles are marketing devices -- I hate them. I've always hated them." Eloquently put.

* Sarah Palin. Can't you go away for, like, 15 minutes?

Do Real Turkeys Eat Caviar?

Which brings us to the collective Turkeys of the Year: the financial sector. As you may have heard, Citigroup, which in September was trying to buy out troubled bank Wachovia, has recently turned into a troubled bank itself.

As I wrote in May, Citigroup's consumer banking arm, Citibank, paid $30 million to change its slogan from "The Citi Never Sleeps" to "Citi Never Sleeps." A drop in its bucket of squandered money, but still.

However, the prize turkey here has to be AIG, the insurance giant that swallowed $152 billion in federal subsidies in just a few months, yet still announced, straight-faced, its plans to pay $503 million in deferred compensation to some of its top employees to keep them from exiting the company.

Surely AIG's "top employees" are the ones who got the insurance giant into its black-hole predicament to begin with? And their number undoubtedly includes some of those responsible for the $440,000 spent on a posh retreat for its executives just days after the fed bailout was announced?

Clearly these turkeys are of a rare breed indeed, leaving the British Airways and the Verizons of the world shaking their feathered heads and wrinkled wattles in wonder and awe. In the face of such myopic chutzpah, even Howard Schultz is a mere egret.

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And so much for all that. This turkey must fly. Thanks for reading for the past 15 months or so. I am, as Willie Randolph, Lee Iacocca, and the planet Pluto all said, out of here.